If you’ve been reading this blog for any length of time you already know that I secretly (openly) love Taco Bell. Now that I’m a grown adult I realize the folly in this unrequited love affair. I know it’s not good for me. I know there’s something better out there. In my heart I know that Taco Bell isn’t going to enrich my life in the way I deserve, so I reluctantly cut it out for periods of time. I tell myself it’s over. For weeks and even months I manage to quit cold turkey. These tend be terribly bleak, dark days and life in general becomes quite lackluster.
But I rally.
Because like I said, I am an adult.
“I am a strong, independent woman!” I’ll say as I speed past it’s shiny billboard advertisements, remembering to look back in my rear view mirror with disdain. I remind myself how the ingredients at Del Taco are so much better (real cheese!). I distract myself with fancy Chipotle bowls. I even go slumming with cheeseburgers, just to see how it feels. But like any torrid love affair, I just can’t seem to stay away.
However shameful, my love of Taco Bell runs deep and can’t be denied. What can I say, the heart wants what it wants. As a result, I’ve been ordering and eating Taco Bell for the better part of 34 years. Look, I even had a birthday party at a Taco Bell when I turned 8 years old so… I don’t mean to brag or anything, but I know my stuff.
The point is, I’m here to help.
There is a right way to eat Taco Bell and there is a wrong way. There are Taco Bell food groups. There are guidelines that should be followed if you want to get the most out of your $3.00-$7.00 meal.
The first thing you should know is that,
1) There Are 4 Taco Bell Food Groups
– Corn Tortillas
– Flour Tortillas
2) You Need To Fulfill All Four Food Groups In One Dining Experience
This is where you get to have fun. It’s important to remember that the rules serve only to maximize your enjoyment and really you should just do whatever feels right. You can hit all the important food groups in 3, 2, or even 1 menu item (more on that later). I would say to go for it and have 4 things, but even I know what a bad idea that is.
If you must know, I eat three items per Taco Bell visit. There I said it. What.
Sometimes I’ll order a Bean Burrito, a Crunchy Taco, and Nachos Supreme. Sometimes I’ll order a Crunchy Taco, a Soft Taco, and a Tostada. I may even go so far as to order the Mexican Pizza Meal and switch one of the crunchy tacos to soft, so as to include all the food groups, which, remember, are: Meat, Beans, Crunchy Shell, Soft Shell.
I like to mix it up and change my order each time. I’m a real renegade like that. But have fun with it guys. The system is foolproof. It works brilliantly.
Go crazy! Are you in the mood for Burrito supreme? Bam! Two food groups, right there. Do you feel like a Taco Salad? Well darlin, that just so happens to take care of your other two food groups. There are a million and one ways to enjoy your well rounded meal, but there is one important theme to be noticed here: The Crunchy Taco. Which brings me to Rule #3.
3) The Crunchy Taco Is The Cornerstone Of Your Taco Bell Experience
No matter what you order, you should start with the Crunchy Taco. This is classic Mexican food logic, guys. You very well may rue the day you ordered a Beefy Crunch Burrito With Flamin’ Hot Fritos stuffed inside, but you will never regret ordering a simple, elegant Crunchy Taco. It’s not showy. It’s not an attention-whore. It never leaves the menu over something petty. The Crunchy Taco has unselfishly, quietly, supported the menu since the very beginning. While humble, the Crunchy Taco is delicious and not to be overlooked or taken for granted.
It is the backbone of this whole operation.
Once you’ve done the right thing by ordering a Crunchy Taco, really, the possibilities are endless beyond that. This is your chance to live it up.
But there is one mistake you must NEVER make. This is important.
4) Don’t Fall Into The Crunchwrap Trap!
This is where it gets tricky. You might think you’re doing a good thing by ordering an item that nearly fulfills all the food groups in one stop, but hear me now: you are not doing a good thing. The Crunchwrap is everything wrong with the Taco Bell menu. Call me old-fashioned but it’s just too much! It’s too many good flavors smashed into one bizarre, pie shaped debacle- nay, a perversion! It confuses my delicate palate. I want nothing to do with it.
On the other hand…
5) You Can’t Go Wrong With A Double Decker Taco
This one has it all folks. If you’re ever in a pinch and you need to get all your Taco Bell food groups into one single item, The Double Decker is the one for you. You’ve got your delicious, dependable Crunchy Taco wrapped in a soft, alluring flour tortilla. They even threw in some beans for good measure. If you’re in the market for a new TB fling, this is the kind of menu item you can be proud of. This one is well-rounded and dependable. It will dazzle you and take care of all your needs. This is the kind of item you can go the distance with.
Last but not least, it bears mentioning that no food is Taco Bell food without mild sauce.
Hold fast to these truths, and you can’t lose your way.
Go with God.