How To Order Taco Bell

If  you’ve been reading this blog for any length of time you already know that I secretly (openly) love Taco Bell. Now that I’m a grown adult I realize the folly in this unrequited love affair. I know it’s not good for me. I know there’s something better out there. In my heart I know that Taco Bell isn’t going to enrich my life in the way I deserve, so I reluctantly cut it out for periods of time. I tell myself it’s over. For weeks and even months I manage to quit cold turkey. These tend be terribly bleak, dark days and life in general becomes quite lackluster.

But I rally.

Because like I said, I am an adult.

“I am a strong, independent woman!” I’ll say as I speed past it’s shiny billboard advertisements, remembering to look back in my rear view mirror with disdain. I remind myself how the ingredients at Del Taco are so much better (real cheese!). I distract myself with fancy Chipotle bowls. I even go slumming with cheeseburgers, just to see how it feels. But like any torrid love affair, I just can’t seem to stay away.

However shameful, my love of Taco Bell runs deep and can’t be denied. What can I say, the heart wants what it wants. As a result, I’ve been ordering and eating Taco Bell for the better part of 34 years. Look, I even had a birthday party at a Taco Bell when I turned 8 years old so… I don’t mean to brag or anything, but I know my stuff.

The point is, I’m here to help.

There is a right way to eat Taco Bell and there is a wrong way. There are Taco Bell food groups. There are guidelines that should be followed if you want to get the most out of your $3.00-$7.00 meal.

The first thing you should know is that,

1) There Are 4 Taco Bell Food Groups

– Meat

– Beans

– Corn Tortillas

– Flour Tortillas

2) You Need To Fulfill All Four Food Groups In One Dining Experience

This is where you get to have fun. It’s important to remember that the rules serve only to maximize your enjoyment and really you should just do whatever feels right. You can hit all the important food groups in 3, 2, or even 1 menu item (more on that later). I would say to go for it and have 4 things, but even I know what a bad idea that is.

If you must know, I eat three items per Taco Bell visit. There I said it. What.

Sometimes I’ll order a Bean Burrito, a Crunchy Taco, and Nachos Supreme. Sometimes I’ll order a Crunchy Taco, a Soft Taco, and a Tostada. I may even go so far as to order the Mexican Pizza Meal and switch one of the crunchy tacos to soft, so as to include all the food groups, which, remember, are: Meat, Beans, Crunchy Shell, Soft Shell.  

I like to mix it up and change my order each time. I’m a real renegade like that. But have fun with it guys. The system is foolproof. It works brilliantly.

Go crazy! Are you in the mood for Burrito supreme? Bam! Two food groups, right there. Do you feel like a Taco Salad? Well darlin, that just so happens to take care of your other two food groups. There are a million and one ways to enjoy your well rounded meal, but there is one important theme to be noticed here: The Crunchy Taco. Which brings me to Rule #3.

3) The Crunchy Taco Is The Cornerstone Of Your Taco Bell Experience

No matter what you order, you should start with the Crunchy Taco. This is classic Mexican food logic, guys. You very well may rue the day you ordered a Beefy Crunch Burrito With Flamin’ Hot Fritos stuffed inside, but you will never regret ordering a simple, elegant Crunchy Taco. It’s not showy. It’s not an attention-whore. It never leaves the menu over something petty. The Crunchy Taco has unselfishly, quietly, supported the menu since the very beginning. While humble, the Crunchy Taco is delicious and not to be overlooked or taken for granted.

It is the backbone of this whole operation.

Once you’ve done the right thing by ordering a Crunchy Taco, really, the possibilities are endless beyond that. This is your chance to live it up.

But there is one mistake you must NEVER make. This is important.

4) Don’t Fall Into The Crunchwrap Trap!

This is where it gets tricky. You might think you’re doing a good thing by ordering an item that nearly fulfills all the food groups in one stop, but hear me now: you are not doing a good thing. The Crunchwrap is everything wrong with the Taco Bell menu. Call me old-fashioned but it’s just too much! It’s too many good flavors smashed into one bizarre, pie shaped debacle- nay, a perversion! It confuses my delicate palate. I want nothing to do with it.

On the other hand…

5) You Can’t Go Wrong With A Double Decker Taco

This one has it all folks. If you’re ever in a pinch and you need to get all your Taco Bell food groups into one single item, The Double Decker is the one for you. You’ve got your delicious, dependable Crunchy Taco wrapped in a soft, alluring flour tortilla. They even threw in some beans for good measure. If you’re in the market for a new TB fling, this is the kind of menu item you can be proud of. This one is well-rounded and dependable. It will dazzle you and take care of all your needs. This is the kind of item you can go the distance with.

Last but not least, it bears mentioning that no food is Taco Bell food without mild sauce.

Hold fast to these truths, and you can’t lose your way.

Go with God.

 

 

11 thoughts on “How To Order Taco Bell

  1. Mary Carver

    So many things to say. First, this is brilliant. Second, have you seen the post about the girl who got her senior pictures taken at a Taco Bell? Because WHY NOT? Forget it, I just googled it for you: http://www.buzzfeed.com/davidmack/this-teen-girl-took-her-senior-pictures-inside-a-taco-bell. Third, my recent favorite is the Cheesy Gordita Crunch. The textures, the sauce. I don’t know what, but I love it. I also discovered the joy of ordering a Burrito Supreme sans lettuce while I was pregnant this last time, and it is delightful. I really could go on and on about this, but I’ll stop here. Well done. 🙂

  2. Mary Carver

    ALSO (and yes, I realize it’s super weird that I have So Much to say on this topic, but it really seems like you will understand), this is the funniest article I’ve ever read about burritos: https://medium.com/@luckyshirt/dear-guy-who-just-made-my-burrito-fd08c0babb57#.26nb1xh9w. I know, I’m leaving you a link again. But I couldn’t help thinking of this while I read your post because there are RULES to be followed when it comes to Mexican food (and also what they serve at Taco Bell, heh heh). Beware, there’s language. But SO MUCH FUNNY. I’m done now. For real.

    1. ambersalhus@msn.com

      Omg, Mary, this is awesome. I can tell by your link-sharing that you are a kindred spirit. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go fill my silverware drawer with spare mild sauces…

  3. Ludavia @ Nifty Betty

    I LOOOOOOOOVVVVVEEEE Taco Bell! I agree about the Crunch Wrap (gross)! I always order a Bean Burrito, Crunchy Taco and a Double Decker. I was going once a day. I had to cut back. I shared your post on FB and Twitter.

    1. ambersalhus@msn.com

      Ludavia, Thanks for sharing the blog! And I’m very relieved to hear you’re already nailing your Taco Bell food groups!

  4. Barbie

    I eat Taco Bell at least 3x a week. It’s close to my work and cheap. I normally get a bean burrito, hold the onions, and chips and cheese. A new favorite is the Beefy Burrito.

  5. Jeanie

    I will always mourn the demise of the original Enchirito. And no, they can no longer make it. They just aren’t capable of the greatness of it. I don’t even think they have those three little black olive slices in the back anymore nor would understand the spacing of said olives.
    That said, tostada sans chipotle sauce. Crunchy taco. Then possible soft chicken taco or if really hungry bean burrito. I can also do a burrito supreme in a pinch.
    Taco Bell lover…51 years. Ate my first Bell Beefer at the round cement tables they used to have in front of the stores.

  6. Sandra

    Really you only need 2 items to fulfill the required food groups – Nacho Supreme and Beef Chalupa Supreme – no need to switch things up. It is perfection every time. Ahhhh…

  7. Pingback: What Mindy Kaling Taught Me About Life - Giving Up on Perfect

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