The Truth About Bikini Waxing

To be fair, I will warn all of my male readers now (you know who you are) that this is about to get real. This is the “girl talk” portion of the slumber party that takes a slightly less delicate turn. It’s true that some things should remain a mystery between the sexes.

It’s okay. This is me, opening a back door for you to run out of, should you prefer to protect your masculine sensibilities and preconceived ideals about the feminine species. We will all understand.

If you choose to stay, it is in agreement that you are now within the circle of trust at the slumber party. We hope you choose to use this knowledge-power for good and not evil.  We also hope that the next time you fall out of bed, throw on a hoodie, maybe shave/maybe don’t, and head out the door, that you’ll remember this conversation and appreciate all that we ladies do in the upkeep department, because good god, it’s a lot of work sometimes.

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Now ladies, here’s the deal: unless you’re one of the 4% of humans who don’t grow any unwanted hair, or unless you’re super into your bikini area having a 70’s-style-sideburn thing going on, you’ve likely made removing hair from the perimeters of your lady-region a normal part of life.

You just tack it onto your already long list of things to do in the morning; Shave legs, shave underarms, shave bikini area. Don’t forget to loofah and lotion all your skin so it’s soft to the touch. Wash hair, dry hair, style hair. Put on makeup.

Choose an outfit that doesn’t make you feel sad or fat or lumpy, but does send the exact message that you want to say about yourself that day.

For instance, are you casual today? Or are you feeling edgy? Will that saying on your shirt portray the correct amount of witty humor or will it be tacky? Sub-question: are you allowed to wear shirts that say things after you turn 30?

Do you wear your leather jacket because it makes you feel cooI or a soft cardigan because it makes you feel happy? Are your skinny jeans skinny enough? Are your boyfriend jeans loose enough? Remember to dress for your body type! Wait, are you sure what your body type even is?

Try not to get overwhelmed. Remember, you can’t spend too much time on this one, because it’s only one of your 94 steps in getting ready.

Also, I clearly have no advice for you in this arena.

Go with God.

All of this is, of course, after you have gone to the gym and sweat, strained, lifted, ran, and done everything short of standing on your head. I know. It’s not easy, but hey- gotta keep it right and tight!

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In light of all of this other work it turns out that removal of unwanted hair is, on some days, an unbearable nuisance. For this reason, I find waxing to be my best option. But even if you can afford to do it regularly (that stuff doesn’t come cheap you know), even when you’re able to overcome your own personal sense of dignity by letting a stranger get all up in your lady business with a pot of hot wax, and even when you manage get through it with as much humor and grace as possible, you’re still going to be back at square on in a few weeks.

Which brings us to the real and true humiliation of waxing.

You’d think it would be when that stranger became the third person in the known world who is allowed to see your junk (1-husband, 2- gynecologist. Obviously!) But no, eventually that stranger will become your friend and you’ll forget it was ever awkward in the first place.

The real humiliation comes when you have to let that hair grow back in- which hurts by the way. It hurts a lot. No one talks about that part.

Then you must continue to let it grow until it’s sufficiently long enough to wax again. This is the period of time when you just wait, crossing your fingers and hoping to God that no one invites you to a pool party. Because if they do you’ll have to wear a sarong, and let’s all be real here- no one knows if sarongs are still acceptable and we’re all too scared to ask. So maybe you just wear a cute sundress to the pool party instead, make up a story about why you don’t want to take it off, and then just hang by the snack table all day and call it good.

Ladies, I know it’s starting to look grim, but let’s not lose heart, okay? Ultimately your options are to shave often- which is cheap, quick, and (bonus!) requires no strangers, but it gives you  such painful razor-burn that you seriously consider going Commando for a week, OR you get waxed every few weeks, spending a small fortune and putting yourself and that stranger-who-is-now-your-friend through a whole heck of a lot of trauma.

Neither of which appeals to you at this stage in your life.

So finally you invest in laser hair removal. It is more expensive and more painful but it works. This is what it has come to for us, ladies. Friggin laser-beams on our hoo-has. This is our truth, and the truth hurts. Literally.

image* This is Day 7 of a 31 Day series on Keeping It Real. You can find all of the posts in this series here I hope you follow along and join the conversation! *

6 thoughts on “The Truth About Bikini Waxing

  1. Tammy

    I am so relieved, I am 53, turning 54 in a couple of weeks and this whipper snapper informs me I can let my standards go Well I got news for you girlie, that happened a long time ago !

    Love your writing!

  2. Tammy

    Funny post. 53 is not matronly. Well, at least I am not matronly and I am close to 53, but forget that waxing nonsense.

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