6 Days Into Summer: A State of the Union Address

We are 6 days into our summer break and I think it’s important for you to know the real state of affairs up in here. To begin, the house is a wreck. This usually is untrue or an exaggeration when I say it, but this time it’s really true. The floors are sticky. The bathrooms are so dirty they bring shame on our family. I am only 4 laundry loads in to a 13 load pile of clothes, bedding, and beach towels. The windows have so many handprints and dog-nose-prints it looks like everyone was held in the house against their will and was clawing to get out or something.

The kids are a total wreck. We have been camping for the last four days and while it’s been a blast it has also been exhausting. Jaxon even told me himself last night on the fifth hour of our six-hour drive home that he was “wrecked”. Bella chimed in with, “Yah mom. I’m seriously conquered down.”  She tends to have a flair for the dramatic so I was at a momentary loss as to what “conquered down” actually meant and if it was a good or a bad thing. I’m pretty sure she meant something in between “tuckered out” and “hunker down” and simply “tired.”

I was talking with my friends recently about how the month of May was supposed to slow down and ease us into our breezy and carefree summer schedules, but how in reality the month of May was aggressively out to kill us all. Between sports and projects and end of year ceremonies and parties it all just got a little bit bananas, really. And then June came. It turns out that May is really just June’s annoying kid sister. I am here to tell you that June is the one you really have to watch out for. June is slightly unhinged and off its medication and definitely rooted in mania.

It’s nuts you guys! We have had four trips out of town and two of them have been out of state in the last month.  We haven’t had any downtime. I’m trying not feel indignant about it.  Other than Amber and I taking the kids for a spontaneous celebratory lunch on the last day of school, there has been no leisure time to speak of yet. We did manage to capture this happiness during our little interlude though.  Within one hour of summer freedom they had eaten lunch, gabbed about their summer plans, and ran down to the river, purses and all. Look how happy they are. I don’t know why I worry about filling up the summer days when all I really need to do is have Amber’s girls over. All they ever want is to be together.

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Other than this moment, our days have been filled to the brim and nonstop. To put it in perspective, I will tell you that we havent even slept in once yet during our first week of summer. So, basically times are serious.

In fact times are so serious that I am going to go ahead and tell you that it is currently 3:42 pm and I have not showered yet today. In fact, I only recently changed out of my sweat pants and into my workout clothes. I’m also going to go ahead and tell you that this fully makes me a fraud because I have zero intention of working out today. In fact, I want to work out but I literally can’t because my hand is currently a useless knob on the end of my arm and all it seems to do lately is to hurt and get in my way.

I put on my workout clothes today (okay fine, this afternoon) because honestly I had to A) Get out of the house and B) Occupy my children for at least one hour – and it just so happens that the gym is the only place I am able to accomplish both of these things today.

Hey. Let’s all be real here.

Desperate times, desperate measures, okay? 

My gym has childcare. They have round, cozy, swivel chairs in the lobby. The kind that you could sink into and sit in for hours and never get uncomfortable. They have a juice bar. They have big windows that are perfect for staring out of.

I am going to let you in on a little secret and tell you that sometimes I put on my workout clothes, drive 20 minutes to the gym, march right past the first set of doors that lead to the workout equipment, and I drop off my littles off in the kiddie area. Then I march straight to the lobby and plop myself down in the swivel chairs and I put in my headphones and then I read, or blog, or check emails, or maybe even sometimes accidentally nap.  I also may or may not have gone one time just so I could eat my teriyaki chicken lunch in total peace. I’m not proud, but it is what it is.

I do work out too. I should get points for that. Just not every single time.

In all honesty, I really had been stepping up my game lately. I was fully implementing The Plan. I was working out hard and often. I was lifting weights. I was doing cardio. I was eating well and often. I was losing inches. Yet just as I was finally gaining momentum and actually losing pounds, it all came to a screeching halt last Monday when a glass bottle randomly shattered and nearly amputated my hand. Okay fine. It didn’t even come close to amputating my hand but it did cut me very badly. Basically the same thing.

It was a glass bottle of Izze soda- you know, that cute kind they sell at Starbucks and Chipotle and places like that. I never even drink the blasted things! I’d never even bought them before this. Damn those snack cart ladies at Costco! They lured me in with their tiny harmless tasters in their white paper cups and then they duped me into buying a whole case.

After weeks of ignoring them in the fridge, I decided it was time to finally indulge in a bright pink soda. I reached in to grab the bottle and I set in on my kitchen counter. I did not drop it. I did not bump it. I did not hit it on anything else. It just EXPLODED. I heard a loud pop, looked down, and immediately saw blood everywhere. I didn’t even feel it happen. The whole neck of the bottle had literally blown off and sliced a deep gash across the top of my left hand that was resting on the counter. I ran to the sink, looked at the cut, and saw that my hand was hanging open. So naturally I made a frantic and pathetic gargling sound to alert Bella that something was wrong and then I put my head down and just tried not to die.

You guys, it was bad. There was a lot of blood. And I am a fainter. I don’t mean to sound like a big baby, but when my son had staples put in his head a few months ago the nurses had to leave my tiny tender sitting alone on the table long enough to shove my head between my knees and put cold water on my neck before they could finish with him. Because it turns out one staple is all it takes for me to turn green and hit the deck. In high school I used to faint simply from taking too hot of a shower. It’s a problem.

Long story short, I lived (obviously) but only after enduring a very long 20 minutes of trying to comfort my terrified 8-year-old and not pass out while we waited for Husband to get home and drive me to the emergency room. It’s kind of a blur, but I remember Bella running to get our neighbor Nancy, who is a bit of an eccentric and tried earnestly to make me put cayenne pepper in my cut. I’m dead serious. She said it would stop the bleeding and that it “wouldn’t burn” but unfortunately I was passed the point of being trifled with. I looked her squarely in the eyes and said, “Thank you. NO.”

Then a tall man named Greg showed up at my door because apparently Husband had called him on his way, knowing that he was nearby and that I was likely to pass out at any minute, so he asked him to come check on me.

That is how I wound up lying on my kitchen counter, with a man named Greg squeezing my hand together and Nancy nervously pacing around my dining room table muttering some nonsense about cayenne pepper. Even in my state of distress I remember feeling the burden of the awkward moment between our unlikely trio. Im pretty sure I cracked a couple of lame jokes. I really can’t handle to just let an awkward moment be. 

Poor Bella was the most traumatized from the whole ordeal. Husband came home and found her on the porch sobbing into her hands and even after we all assured her I was perfectly fine, she couldn’t stop crying for at least an hour. Bless her heart. As for me, I ended up with 7 stitches and I’m totally fine, other than the fact that my hand is rendered useless and is taking forever to heal. In the meantime I’m just channeling my inner Buster. “I’m a monster!”

imageSo the real state of affairs up in here is that I have a gimp hand, June is insane, I’m currently using my gym as an office, the kids are already bored, and I have been home for all of 27 hours and am leaving again in the morning on another trip. I’ll tell you all about it when I get back. Right after I sleep for 11 hours straight.

 

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